White Paper

I remember when I was a kid, I was crazy about new paper. The fresh crisp feel of a spotless white sheet would make me just giddy. It didn't matter what kind of paper it was-- Letter-size basic cheap printer paper, or the super brights for color prints, or sketch paper-- acid free! or fancy drawing paper-- 80 lb press. I would gobble it all up.

The possibilities were endless-- and they were for me to decide. I went through pages and pages and sketchbooks entirely with my doodles, imaginings, and characters I had dreamed of. They were as real to me as my emotions I had drawn into, and pulled out of them. I could start in the morning, and draw for hours on end. For a kid whose mother thought had a mild case of ADD, I have to say-- that is beautiful effortless concentration.

Today, years later, I feel the same way-- but it's more like my life if a blank sheet. I've been slowly setting it up-- from the selection of the grain, the whiteness, the weight-- (beautiful and well chosen) only this time I feel like there's only one sheet. What do I want to put down? What is important enough to immortalize on this carefully prepared surface?

Some days

Some days wear you down.
Some weeks wear you down.

Martin and I am working here and we find it tough-- More and more I think of vacation. I don't even know what kind of vacation, just being away from this.

And when the day is over you think-- well I guess we did good work so maybe it was worth it.

Hobbies

I have no hobbies.

I have told myself many times that I do in fact want to have a or some hobbies, but I have not yet been able to bring myself to stick to one. I am not sure why this is.

Perhaps it is because I ask myself: what is the point? I think part of it is the question of value-add.
I used to draw endlessly. I think when you have a hobby, if you are good enough at it, it should be shared. To add value to the world through your hobby it should be public, and I guess in some ways I feel like there will always be someone better than me so why bother. Maybe I lack confidence in believing I could create something that would be interesting to someone else. 

I loved to draw when there was someone out there to say something about my work. When I was very young, I drew and knew I was good at it. I would get a lot of "oohs" and "ahhs" about the detail and the eye I had despite my young age. I am the type of person who needs feedback. 

What constitutes a hobby?

"An activity or interest pursued outside one's regular occupation and engaged in primarily for pleasure or relaxation."

All it says it is it is an activity or interest outside of work that is done for pleasure or relaxation. Somehow this seems too broad for me. Wouldn't watching movies or having sex then constitute as a hobby?

When I think of hobbies, I think of developing a skill of some sort. Piano, Yoga, Photography, Blogging, Cooking, Sports, Drawing, learning a language... All of which require effort, skill, hours. 

What do I end up spending my spare time on? Cleaning up this apartment. Thinking about work. Trying to escape through TV. Shopping. Maybe I restrict myself on things that I used to draw enjoyment from because I find them time sinks and useless. 

I used to play games, then I would feel horribly guilty about them because I for the most part could not control myself. I would play incessantly for a few weeks then quit completely from one day to the next, disgusted with myself, and asking "what did I achieve out of this"? But then again, I did enjoy it. And now, doing nothing-- what better did I achieve out of that?

If I let myself just do what I wanted to do, what would I do? Forget about feeling guilty about how I spend my time and just do something I enjoy? 

Maybe then I would actually find what I would like to do with myself. The more I let myself do what I want, little by little I could perhaps find out what it is that I like to do. 

I think I am a person of restraint. If I enjoy something but don't respect it, I won't go any further into it. 
I used to take extreme pleasure out of art. It is something that I do respect. Maybe I'll join the sketch meetup and see how that goes.

And for the rest of tonight... I will find a game to play that I will enjoy.

First Post Paris

So it's been practically forever since I've written-- which is unfortunate since I actually do enjoy writing about what's going on. It's been so long and I've been so out of practice that I had practically forgotten about it completely.

What's going on? Where do I begin?
I upped and left my life in Montreal with my fiancé to run a small sales office of my dad's business. It has been exciting, exhausting, daunting, envigorating and a test every day. It is safe to say that where I used to see myself as a confident and strong young women, my ground beneath my feet feels like it has swept up beneath me and I am doing all that I can to hold on tight.

I know that everything that I find daunting and difficult is in fact a challenge and chance to grow in disguise. I remember one of my mentors telling me that once I got here, I would ask myself, "Why is everything so hard?" all the time in the first six months. Six months later, I am still asking these questions. I know, however, that with the support of my friends, family, and of course my fiancé, that I can handle this.

Since getting here I have lost complete track of my finances. I do know that we have been spending exorbitant amounts of money on food-- and not even good food. I'm talking delivered lunches. This actually disgusts me. Some weeks, I take delivered lunch every day of the week. With an average price of  9.00 EUR a day, we're talking $67.00 CAD a week! Between the two of us, that's about $530 a month. Insane. That's some people's rent for the month. I am actually disgusted at myself right now at this figure.

With that money-- we could instead go for a weekend getaway. London? No problem. Marseilles? Sure. Amsterdam-- not far. Shit.


Ok enough about the money. What do I need to do to maximize my time here? Before I came, what did I want to take advantage of while here? What would make my life here full and happy?

What do I want?
1) I want to run the office well
2) I want to come back being perfectly fluent in French
3) I want to go on weekend getaways and SEE THE WORLD
4) I want to make great friends to share my experiences with
5) I want to be healthy
6) I want to be ready for China
7) I need to plan my wedding

I think this is a good list. Can I actually achieve all of this? I hope so. Maybe I should write it out to remind myself what I am here to do. It's my life. Every day is a choice. I make it what I want to.

December

It's nearing the holidays, and it means another load of spending. Although I just got paid, I already pretty much have that amount earmarked for my next credit card payment (and I haven't really picked up gifts for anyone either!)

If I can keep it to $250 (for my two little brothers, my fiance, and my dad) for the reamaining Christmas gifts, I'll be very happy.

Anyways, I wanted to step away from the whole "spending" thing. It gets old after awhile (maybe it's because I blew December so hard so early that I feel discouraged).

I had some simple questions asked to me recently that I've been thinking on and off about...

If money were a completely non-issue for you, what would you do?
The question is not "If you won the lottery what would you spend it on?". The idea is to get behind what you truly enjoy doing, what you are passionate about. This led me to realize I have no hobbies outside of work, family, and friends. I thought long and hard and I realize I don't even know what I like anymore. I used to draw throughout elementary and high school, but that stopped shortly after 10th grade. I seemed to have 'lost inspiration'

Some things I like (let's brainstorm):

1. I enjoy reading, especially about China. I also like reading a good book in general if I find one.
2. I like researching the product until I find perfection, but I think this is just my OCD speaking out in a different form (shopping related)
3. I like buying things at good deals, or even at not great deals if I really like the product (shopping again...)
4. I like decor and finding nice things for the condo (again, linked to shopping)
5. I strangely like tracking my finances like crazy (as evidenced by the starting posts) at times, but then fall short when I start to move off track...
6. Can't really think of many things I like to do... everything is OK or not bad, but I don't love doing many things... love, passion-- these are strong words. Maybe let's move on to another question.

Are you happy now?
The short answer should be yes. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a super handsome fiance who loves me like crazy and makes me laugh and feel comfort and supported. I live in a beautiful condo that we just moved into which is wonderful. I have family really close by that I love and am close with. I have great friends that I love spending time with. I struggle with finances and I don't feel like I am where I should be financially. The only reason we're able to live here is because of a substantial gift/loan from my parents that is optionally returnable. If it wasn't, my fiance and I would be drowning.

I believe the job is excellent for experience, but I don't think I am at my full potential. I am not sure, however, if I would be happier at another job anyway. I don't know whether or not I should pursue an MBA and pick up to live elsewhere. My fiance and I  had always planned to go live in China or Hong Kong for a bit before settling back down in North America. I'm 25 now but the clock is ticking. I'm not even sure I want or need an MBA so I haven't been able to study for it because not knowing my goal makes me lack motivation.

Wow. Writing this has made me realize I'm actually happy with everything except what's related with my career and money. At least that's clear.


Would you be happy with less?
I have a mantra that I wrote on my closet a year ago that I look back at and think of often. It says, "Less is More". It's a simple enough phrase that I'm sure you've heard many times over. I put that mantra up to stop myself from buying more clothes that were causing my closets to overflow.

Honestly, a bunch of stuff that I didn't even wear anymore became burdensome because I thought to myself, "Well I can't get rid of this, it's basically new!" but I would never wear it because I found something else in my closet that I would rather wear. It's the same with the makeup I bought but never got to, or the books I planned on reading later but haven't.

I have to be careful now if I'm doing the same in the house. Right now there are indeed a lot of things one would say we "need" but actually we've been living in the house for 2 months now. If we haven't needed it yet, perhaps we don't need it at all. But this does not answer my question: would I be happy with less? Overall, probably once we have everything we need (and what we need I still question), I know I will still want to buy new things. I will see something cute in a store and want to bring it home. Little things I purchase do make me happy in some ways, I realize. I do enjoy small material pleasures. I love product (and usually it's the best product that I get most excited about). I always have. I'm not sure if I can cut down to bare bare essentials. Maybe that's OK? Still must be within reason...

But less... less in a grander scheme, what does this mean? Does this mean we don't go on trips around the world? I still want those. Does less mean we don't live in a gorgeous house? Maybe I can do without, even though I came from one. Does less mean we can't send our kids to the best schools when the time comes? I don't want to do without that either. I want to be able to give our children a rich youth which makes them curious to discover things around them, and to discover themselves.

These questions have been making me think... writing it out helps. It makes me more clear on where I stand. I may come back with more. I feel like there were others floating around my head...

Month end November... Pauper Month Results!

Ok, so November ended and I figured I'd be on track by my paycheque in Dec.
The truth was not so. I feel kind of bummed about the whole thing, to be honest but I know I might as well tally the final result since I did try for the month of November, truly....

So here are the results from the last few days of my first real "Pauper Month" where I actually tried...

Between the 26th and the 30th (okay, only really 4 days), the remaining damage:

Necessities:

1. I had to change my tires to winters. I got a great deal at $78, but then also they buffed out the rims so that I wouldn't lose air.. something about rusting/corrosion... it was another $30 so that totals $110 more or less. 

Non-essentials

1. I donated $15 to a friend in charity (he has always donated to me for my causes)
2. I've had lunch at the caf at least twice, plus coffee... $14

I spent another $140 for those 4 days. Running tally for the month: $1604
$379 in avoidables (24%)
$1225 in necessities or non-avoidables... (76%)

Funny how it's the exact same proportion from the previous post.

Pauper Month - Update

OK! So my last post was the 15th, about 12 days ago. What's happened since then?
For one, off the top of my head-- I've given in to the availability of credit down the line. My spending:

1. I got contacts for 6 months for $58
2. Purchased a pair of shoes for $25
3. Bought home stuff today for $41 which were not necessities (though such a good deal)
4. I brought some home stuff including expensive apples, cheese and crackers ($30) and a shelving system for $30 for our cage downstairs

Necessities:

1. I bought groceries - $112
2. I paid for gas $80
3. Electrician's fee came in $126.47

Gifts & Debt Repayment:

1. Chris' birthday cheque ran in - $100
2. Bonnie's birthday event - paid for me and Martin - $46

Total run-in for the past 12 days: $648

$184 of it I probably could have avoided, $465 I could not.. Total for the month:

$350 in avoidables (24%)

$1,115 in necessities or non-avoidables (76%)