Thursday, January 16, 2014

Hobbies

I have no hobbies.

I have told myself many times that I do in fact want to have a or some hobbies, but I have not yet been able to bring myself to stick to one. I am not sure why this is.

Perhaps it is because I ask myself: what is the point? I think part of it is the question of value-add.
I used to draw endlessly. I think when you have a hobby, if you are good enough at it, it should be shared. To add value to the world through your hobby it should be public, and I guess in some ways I feel like there will always be someone better than me so why bother. Maybe I lack confidence in believing I could create something that would be interesting to someone else. 

I loved to draw when there was someone out there to say something about my work. When I was very young, I drew and knew I was good at it. I would get a lot of "oohs" and "ahhs" about the detail and the eye I had despite my young age. I am the type of person who needs feedback. 

What constitutes a hobby?

"An activity or interest pursued outside one's regular occupation and engaged in primarily for pleasure or relaxation."

All it says it is it is an activity or interest outside of work that is done for pleasure or relaxation. Somehow this seems too broad for me. Wouldn't watching movies or having sex then constitute as a hobby?

When I think of hobbies, I think of developing a skill of some sort. Piano, Yoga, Photography, Blogging, Cooking, Sports, Drawing, learning a language... All of which require effort, skill, hours. 

What do I end up spending my spare time on? Cleaning up this apartment. Thinking about work. Trying to escape through TV. Shopping. Maybe I restrict myself on things that I used to draw enjoyment from because I find them time sinks and useless. 

I used to play games, then I would feel horribly guilty about them because I for the most part could not control myself. I would play incessantly for a few weeks then quit completely from one day to the next, disgusted with myself, and asking "what did I achieve out of this"? But then again, I did enjoy it. And now, doing nothing-- what better did I achieve out of that?

If I let myself just do what I wanted to do, what would I do? Forget about feeling guilty about how I spend my time and just do something I enjoy? 

Maybe then I would actually find what I would like to do with myself. The more I let myself do what I want, little by little I could perhaps find out what it is that I like to do. 

I think I am a person of restraint. If I enjoy something but don't respect it, I won't go any further into it. 
I used to take extreme pleasure out of art. It is something that I do respect. Maybe I'll join the sketch meetup and see how that goes.

And for the rest of tonight... I will find a game to play that I will enjoy.

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