Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Some days

Some days wear you down.
Some weeks wear you down.

Martin and I am working here and we find it tough-- More and more I think of vacation. I don't even know what kind of vacation, just being away from this.

And when the day is over you think-- well I guess we did good work so maybe it was worth it.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Hobbies

I have no hobbies.

I have told myself many times that I do in fact want to have a or some hobbies, but I have not yet been able to bring myself to stick to one. I am not sure why this is.

Perhaps it is because I ask myself: what is the point? I think part of it is the question of value-add.
I used to draw endlessly. I think when you have a hobby, if you are good enough at it, it should be shared. To add value to the world through your hobby it should be public, and I guess in some ways I feel like there will always be someone better than me so why bother. Maybe I lack confidence in believing I could create something that would be interesting to someone else. 

I loved to draw when there was someone out there to say something about my work. When I was very young, I drew and knew I was good at it. I would get a lot of "oohs" and "ahhs" about the detail and the eye I had despite my young age. I am the type of person who needs feedback. 

What constitutes a hobby?

"An activity or interest pursued outside one's regular occupation and engaged in primarily for pleasure or relaxation."

All it says it is it is an activity or interest outside of work that is done for pleasure or relaxation. Somehow this seems too broad for me. Wouldn't watching movies or having sex then constitute as a hobby?

When I think of hobbies, I think of developing a skill of some sort. Piano, Yoga, Photography, Blogging, Cooking, Sports, Drawing, learning a language... All of which require effort, skill, hours. 

What do I end up spending my spare time on? Cleaning up this apartment. Thinking about work. Trying to escape through TV. Shopping. Maybe I restrict myself on things that I used to draw enjoyment from because I find them time sinks and useless. 

I used to play games, then I would feel horribly guilty about them because I for the most part could not control myself. I would play incessantly for a few weeks then quit completely from one day to the next, disgusted with myself, and asking "what did I achieve out of this"? But then again, I did enjoy it. And now, doing nothing-- what better did I achieve out of that?

If I let myself just do what I wanted to do, what would I do? Forget about feeling guilty about how I spend my time and just do something I enjoy? 

Maybe then I would actually find what I would like to do with myself. The more I let myself do what I want, little by little I could perhaps find out what it is that I like to do. 

I think I am a person of restraint. If I enjoy something but don't respect it, I won't go any further into it. 
I used to take extreme pleasure out of art. It is something that I do respect. Maybe I'll join the sketch meetup and see how that goes.

And for the rest of tonight... I will find a game to play that I will enjoy.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

First Post Paris

So it's been practically forever since I've written-- which is unfortunate since I actually do enjoy writing about what's going on. It's been so long and I've been so out of practice that I had practically forgotten about it completely.

What's going on? Where do I begin?
I upped and left my life in Montreal with my fiancé to run a small sales office of my dad's business. It has been exciting, exhausting, daunting, envigorating and a test every day. It is safe to say that where I used to see myself as a confident and strong young women, my ground beneath my feet feels like it has swept up beneath me and I am doing all that I can to hold on tight.

I know that everything that I find daunting and difficult is in fact a challenge and chance to grow in disguise. I remember one of my mentors telling me that once I got here, I would ask myself, "Why is everything so hard?" all the time in the first six months. Six months later, I am still asking these questions. I know, however, that with the support of my friends, family, and of course my fiancé, that I can handle this.

Since getting here I have lost complete track of my finances. I do know that we have been spending exorbitant amounts of money on food-- and not even good food. I'm talking delivered lunches. This actually disgusts me. Some weeks, I take delivered lunch every day of the week. With an average price of  9.00 EUR a day, we're talking $67.00 CAD a week! Between the two of us, that's about $530 a month. Insane. That's some people's rent for the month. I am actually disgusted at myself right now at this figure.

With that money-- we could instead go for a weekend getaway. London? No problem. Marseilles? Sure. Amsterdam-- not far. Shit.


Ok enough about the money. What do I need to do to maximize my time here? Before I came, what did I want to take advantage of while here? What would make my life here full and happy?

What do I want?
1) I want to run the office well
2) I want to come back being perfectly fluent in French
3) I want to go on weekend getaways and SEE THE WORLD
4) I want to make great friends to share my experiences with
5) I want to be healthy
6) I want to be ready for China
7) I need to plan my wedding

I think this is a good list. Can I actually achieve all of this? I hope so. Maybe I should write it out to remind myself what I am here to do. It's my life. Every day is a choice. I make it what I want to.